A common struggle we parents are well acquainted with is how to handle kids when they push our buttons. Almost always there are some behavioral goals that we can work on with the child, but quite frankly a parent can feel they are ‘at the end of their rope’ as they work through the process toward change. Quite often, an undesired pattern between parent and child has been in place for a while- child behaves a certain way to push a ‘button’ and the parent reacts. Sound familiar?
One of the keys to changing your child’s behaviors is to interrupt this negative pattern and replace it with a healthy one. While every story is vastly different, steps to healing are often similar. So, fill in your own story to the “How can I stop ___ from doing things that drive me crazy?” dilemma.
First, let’s define what I mean by ‘button’. For our purposes, a ‘button’ is simply a trigger to a negative and primitive emotion like frustration, anger or fear. It is a natural tendency to react when our buttons are pushed. Reactivity comes out of an old part of our brain that serves our survival needs. Using this part of our brain, our reason-ability goes out the window (we literally ‘loose’ our reasoning mind for a moment).
The first step in creating healthier patterns is to realize that you are the user of your brain and not it’s victim. We’ve got to create new patterns within ourselves to create lasting new ones in our family. This takes intentional work and practice, but is do-able. Like most things, it gets easier and more natural with practice. Here are some steps to help:
- Stop and calm your breath– Notice your physical body (tension, breathing rate…)
- Check your feelings and motives– Ask yourself “What am I feeling? What’s triggering that?”. Next, look at your motives. Sometimes we go for the short ‘win’ and sacrifice the bigger goal. For example, yelling at my kid to do their homework might get the work done today, but is it meeting the longer term goals of teaching responsibility, work ethic and maintaining a healthy parent/child relationship?
- Proceed with love. – What is the most loving response in this situation? For example, Do I need to set up a win-win agreement with my child about homework, or perhaps set up a work area in the home.
Simple steps- but not always easy. With practice, this process will retrain your brain and behavior into healthier patterns. Just be kind to yourself along the way and try to keep a forgiving and playful spirit when you make some mess ups.
We think that we see the world the way it is, but really we see the world as we are. Sometimes when our ‘buttons are pushed’, the people in our lives are mirroring to us some unresolved issues. If you are frequently having your buttons pushed, spend a little time in reflection about why. Journaling, prayer and talking with with others can help us to see those areas more clearly. It’s all part of the journey toward growth, healing and creating a happier and more fulfilling life. I am confident that as you practice these steps and examine these triggers, your world will transform.
