How to Save Your Relationship Using the Gottman Method

When relationships struggle, the idea of getting help can feel daunting, yet our romantic partnerships are often the cornerstone relationship that directly impacts our life happiness and wellbeing.  Seeking support from a therapist can feel scary and often comes with a stigma or an expectation that counseling will be one-sided or uncomfortable.  These beliefs, however, are often from an old script of therapy practices that are long outdated and mostly no longer in practice.

Today, many therapists lean on research-backed training for couples.  A gold standard method and one that many are beginning to hear about is the Gottman method for couples counseling. In the field of couples therapy, Drs. John and Julie Gottman have become synonymous with groundbreaking research and practical tools that help couples build stronger relationships.

A Gottman trained therapist can help a couple in several ways by using evidence-based interventions and tools developed by the Gottman Institute.

Here are some ways a Gottman trained therapist can help a couple:

1. Assessment: A Gottman trained therapist will start by assessing the strengths and challenges of the couple’s relationship. The therapist will use the Gottman Relationship Checkup, a research-based assessment tool that evaluates the couple’s friendship, intimacy, conflict management, shared values, and other important aspects of their relationship. This assessment helps the therapist to identify areas that need improvement and develop a customized treatment plan.
2. Education: A Gottman trained therapist will educate the couple on the Sound Relationship House theory and teach them practical skills to improve their relationship. The therapist will provide feedback and guidance on how to build love maps, express fondness and admiration, turn towards each other, manage conflict, and other essential components of a healthy relationship.
3. Communication Skills: Communication is a critical aspect of any relationship. A Gottman trained therapist will teach the couple effective communication skills, including active listening, expressing emotions in a healthy way, and avoiding communication pitfalls such as criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
4. Conflict Management: Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but it’s how a couple manages conflict that determines the health of their relationship. A Gottman trained therapist will teach the couple specific techniques for managing conflict, including compromise, negotiation, and validation. The therapist will also help the couple to identify and avoid the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling – which are the most common communication patterns that lead to relationship problems.
5. Goal Setting: A Gottman trained therapist will help the couple to identify their relationship goals and work towards them. The therapist will encourage the couple to create a shared vision for their future and support each other’s individual goals and aspirations. This level of the Sound Relationship House encourages couples to create a sense of purpose and belonging in their relationship.

One of the most well-known frameworks in the Gottman method is the “Sound Relationship House,” which outlines the key components of a healthy and satisfying partnership.

At its core, the Sound Relationship House is based on the idea that a strong relationship requires a solid foundation, just like a house. By focusing on the elements that make up this foundation, couples can create a stable and supportive environment for their love to grow.

Here are the seven levels of the Gottman Sound Relationship House:

1. Build Love Maps: A strong relationship requires a deep knowledge of your partner’s inner world. This includes their likes and dislikes, fears and hopes, and everything in between. Building love maps means taking the time to ask questions, listen actively, and pay attention to your partner’s needs and desires.
2. Share Fondness and Admiration: Happy couples have a positive view of each other, even when things aren’t perfect. Sharing fondness and admiration means expressing appreciation for your partner’s strengths and virtues, and making an effort to focus on the good things in your relationship.
3. Turn Towards Each Other Instead of Away: In a healthy relationship, partners prioritize each other’s needs and emotions. Turning towards each other means responding with empathy and understanding, even in the midst of conflict or stress.
4. The Positive Perspective: Successful couples approach challenges with a sense of optimism and teamwork. They see setbacks as opportunities for growth and use humor and affection to diffuse tension.
5. Manage Conflict: Every relationship has disagreements, but happy couples have learned to manage conflict in a healthy way. This means avoiding criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, and instead using active listening, compromise, and validation to resolve issues.
6. Make Life Dreams Come True: Couples who support each other’s goals and aspirations are more likely to feel satisfied and fulfilled in their relationship. This level of the Sound Relationship House encourages partners to create a shared vision for their future and work towards it together.
7. Create Shared Meaning: Finally, the Sound Relationship House emphasizes the importance of creating a shared sense of purpose and belonging. This can be achieved through shared rituals and traditions, a sense of spirituality, or a common vision for the future.

By focusing on these seven levels, couples can create a strong and supportive foundation for their relationship. Whether you’re in a long-term partnership or just starting out, the Gottman Sound Relationship House provides a roadmap for building a fulfilling and lasting connection with your partner.

If you’re looking to strengthen your relationship, work through a conflict or determine the direction for your relationship, a Gottman trained therapist can help.  They will work with a couple by providing evidence-based assessments, education, communication skills, conflict management strategies, and goal-setting techniques. By using these tools and interventions, a Gottman trained therapist can help couples to strengthen their relationship and build a strong and lasting connection.

Our Georgetown and Liberty Hill offices offer counseling for couples, individuals and families.  To connect with a trained therapist, including many Gottman trained counselors, you can contact us directly.  We offer a free care coordination call, where we can match you to the right person and schedule your first appointment to start getting help.

-Jenna Fleming, LPC-S, NCC