The quintessential characteristic of adolescence is change. Hormonal, biological and chemical changes happen ‘behind the scenes’ suddenly turning your sweet little baby into a mouthy teenager! Parents are left wondering “what happened to my child!?”
The teen years can hold some of the most difficult challenges for families. Navigating the topics and transitions can be tough. Hang in there parents, you are not alone! This is a normal phase. Your baby is growing and your relationship needs to grow too.
It’s typical for a teen to want to be with their friends, roll their eyes, or act like they want you to stay a million miles away. Independence (and sometimes acting like a jerk) is a healthy part of their development, but parents- do not confuse this to mean that your role is now hands off. Your kids are at a new stage and your parenting role needs to adapt, but your role is just as important as ever before.
Healthy (or secure) parent-child relationships are characterized by a child’s ability to use mom/dad as a source of comfort (a secure base) from which to explore. The ideal parenting style sets high expectations balanced with a high amount of support for this. From infant to teen, you saw this play out as your child expanded their world with friends, school and interests. As your child grew, their world grew, and they knew that mom or dad was there to guide, comfort and keep them safe.
Your teenager needs these very same things and how that looks in the teen years is a bit different. Here’s some tips:
- Give them independence, not abandonment– Your teen has (and needs) more independence, but they still need to know that they can count on you. Understand their need for wider boundaries, but continue to set expectations and stay in tune with their friends, school and activities. They need to know that you are there and that they can count on you- especially emotionally. Sometimes teens run into trouble with their decisions or with poor emotional coping skills. Stay attuned and get help when needed.
- Conflict is not always bad– Conflict is natural. Curfews get argued over and every teen negotiates. How you handle the conflict is what matters. Be present and listen to your child. No, this does not mean you give in. Understanding opens up a new lens for wiser parenting and less defensiveness. Better yet, teens who feel understood by their parents, even in the face of conflict, confidently move forward in their growth and maintain healthier relationships.
- Keep the door open– Being available is really important at this phase of parenting. Teenagers typically come to parents on their terms-not yours. Pushing conversations is a quick way to shut down your teen. Simply stay present and interested. Ask questions like: How was your day? How was the party? It’s likely you’ll hear a few grunts one word answers. That’s okay. Stay available for those golden moments.
- Be a role model- You are your child’s first teacher and modeling is the primary and most powerful way that we teach. It is an understatement to say that your actions speak louder than words. Setting a good example in your behavior, handle of emotions, communication and all other areas of life lay an important foundation for your child.
Hang in there parents! Yes, it’s a phase- one with spurts of growth that measure second only to the first year of life! Friends are extremely important and teens need independence. Honor that and also remember that your teenager still needs you. They need your support and they need boundaries, lovingly adapted for where they are at.
