After our post from last week, you might be wondering how to set healthy boundaries in a relationship. Let’s first do a quick recap of last week’s post.
Last week, we talked about what healthy versus unhealthy boundaries look like in a relationship. We learned that having healthy boundaries usually requires two people with a strong sense of self and a willingness to communicate their needs.
We also saw an example of a relationship with unhealthy boundaries – our friends Logan and Lucy. These relationships are often characterized by one partner who takes too much responsibility for their partner’s feelings and one partner who places too much responsibility for their feelings on their partner.
This week, we’re going to delve into the reasons why you might struggle with boundaries and tips for how to set healthy boundaries in a relationship. We’ll also discuss the benefits of setting boundaries for both you and your partner.
Let’s get to it!
Where do my beliefs about boundaries come from?
Many of us did not grow up in a household with boundaries. Children are often asked to betray their own needs in order to please their parents or other authority figures.
Perhaps you could never say no to your parents. Or perhaps your parents would guilt trip you into doing things you didn’t want to do.
If you did have boundaries, maybe they weren’t respected or you were made to feel bad about having them.
Boundaries are a learned behavior. So if we were taught from a young age to ignore our own sense of self in order to please another person, that’s what we’ll do as adults.
Why do I struggle to maintain boundaries in a relationship?
Learning how to set healthy boundaries in a relationship can be especially difficult. With friends and family members, it’s a bit easier to say no to that dinner invite or game night than it is with your partner. Taking time and space for yourself in a relationship can be more difficult since you and your partner’s lives are so intertwined.
We also receive messaging from society that glamorizes poor boundaries in relationships.
How many times have you heard someone say something like…
- Your partner is your ‘other half’
- Your partner completes you
- You should be willing to do anything for love
These sayings promote an unbalanced view of relationships in which one person’s sense of self is dependent on their partner.
This dynamic is generally unsustainable. As we’ll learn in just a bit, staying true to your own needs is an essential part of maintaining a long-lasting relationship.
Compromise versus Unhealthy Boundaries
Does this mean you should never put your partner’s needs above your own? Of course not, relationships rely on a willingness to compromise from both partners. The difference between compromising and breaking your boundaries boils down to the ‘why’ behind your actions.
Let’s say that you decide not to go to a baseball game with a friend because you want to spend quality time with your wife.
This would not be breaking your boundaries if you’ve decided that spending time with your wife is more important than going to the game.
This would be breaking your boundaries if you feel guilty for going to the game or you only choose to spend time with your wife because you are fearful of the consequences for not doing so.
Do you see the difference between the two? Examining your motivation and emotions surrounding the decisions you make in a relationship is important. It can help you separate your own feelings from your partner’s. Doing this will help you become more attuned to your own feelings and aware of when your boundaries are being crossed.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries
If you’re someone who struggles to set and enforce your boundaries, know that you’re not alone. It’s a process that many of us struggle with on a daily basis. None of us are perfect! Some days are easier than others. Just remember that the more you do it, the more natural it will feel.
Setting healthy boundaries tips:
- Start listening to yourself and your body – pay close attention to your wants and needs. This can be something as simple as going out on a solo walk or attending a yoga session in the evening. Stay tuned to your own feelings and don’t be afraid to take time or space for yourself!
- Don’t try to suppress or feel guilty for negative emotions – part of what makes being sad or angry extra difficult is our own habit of feeling bad for feeling bad. Start to own your own feelings – even if they’re negative. Not feeling bad for your own emotions will help you feel more comfortable sitting with other people’s emotions. Meaning, you will be less likely to feel bad or responsible for your partner’s feelings.
- Start small – boundaries can be big or small. Often, it’s easier to start drawing boundaries when the stakes are low. Say no to plans you don’t want to go to. Protect your own personal space in a public space. Starting small builds a foundation for those bigger boundaries.
- Use I statements – boundaries don’t have to be stated in a rude or disrespectful way. Instead of saying something like, ‘stop bothering me when I read!’ You can say something like, ‘I would prefer to have some quiet time when I read. Do you mind giving me an hour alone?’ Practice stating your needs in a firm, but kind, manner.
- Speak up when your boundaries are crossed – boundaries are only boundaries if they’re communicated. Using “I” statements can come in handy here. I felt disrespected when you raised your voice at me. I don’t feel like a priority to you when you spend all of your time at work.
- Be more mindful of your time and energy – take proactive steps to protect your own time and energy. Whether that means blocking off time in your work calendar to hit the gym or letting your partner know that Thursday nights are game nights with your friends, there are ways to proactively let people know about your boundaries. This way you don’t always have to re-state your needs.
- Build your self-esteem up – healthy boundaries naturally come to us when we believe in the idea that we are ok just the way we are. We don’t need to change ourselves for someone else or do things for other people’s approval. Building your self-esteem can include many activities, including affirmations. Remind yourself that you are ok, you are worthy, and you are whole as you are.
Why Setting Healthy Boundaries is Important
When first setting boundaries, there may be some resistance from your partner. Changing the dynamic can feel unfamiliar and, perhaps, uncomfortable at times. Growing pains are a completely normal part of change.
Having boundaries can greatly benefit your relationship in the long run. It can ensure that both you and your partner have enough time, space, and energy for each other. In a relationship, boundaries:
- Allow people to show up as their best self to a relationship
- Decrease resentment
- Decrease the incidence of fights that are triggered by weeks or months of pent up emotions
- Allows both parties to feel fulfilled in other parts of their life, which decreases the likelihood of a codependent relationship
- Encourage people to take ownership of and regulate their emotions
- Help partners recharge emotionally and mentally
- Promote a more equal balance in the relationship, which helps both partners to feel valued and appreciated
- Can increase feelings of connection and vulnerability since both parties are communicating openly and honestly about their needs
The Takeaway
While saying yes or “letting things slide” might feel like the easier choice in the moment, eventually, these small concessions won’t feel so small anymore. Not having boundaries can lead to resentment and repetitive fights.
I know having boundaries sounds counterintuitive at times – you’re saying that by putting myself first, I can actually improve my relationship? That’s exactly right. Because it’s only when you feel emotionally “full” that you can give to your partner. A healthy relationship relies on two individuals who stay true to themselves. They know that is ultimately beneficial for the relationship.
If you have trouble maintaining boundaries in a relationship, talking with a professional can help you draw clearer boundaries and enforce them. There is no shame in getting help. Knowing how to set healthy boundaries in a relationship can be the key to a happier and healthier partnership.
With convenient locations in the Georgetown and LIberty HIll area, we can’t wait to help you. Give us a call today. We’ll match you with one of our experienced and licensed professionals.
In your corner,
Jenna
