All couples argue from time to time. Relationships are composed of two individuals with different needs, perspectives, and personalities. Differences in opinion will naturally lead to conflict, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Learning how to repair after an argument can help you grow from conflict.
In fact, partners who don’t fight at all might be brushing their issues under the rug, leading to resentment and unresolved issues. Arguing can sometimes lead to greater understanding between you and your partner if you take the time to repair after an argument.
That’s why the hours or days after an argument are so crucial. It presents an opportunity to both partners to reestablish connection and learn from their past mistakes.
Take Time to Cool Off
The first step after an argument is to de-escalate the conflict. Arguments often trigger a fight-or-flight response in partners, which can lead to heightened reactions and defensiveness.
In order to make sense of an argument, both parties need to reach a place of less emotional reactivity. Taking time to pause or cool off after an argument can be helpful. Removing yourself from the situation can help you reach a place of greater calmness and groundedness.
Remember to put a time limit on the break. Here are some phrases you can use to take a break:
- I want to have this conversation, but I need to take a break.
- I need 20 minutes to calm down.
- I don’t want to escalate this fight, so I’m going to step away for 20 minutes.
Share How You Feel
After you come back together, the next step in how to repair after an argument is sharing how you feel. Now, remember that sharing how you feel is different than talking about what happened. Talking about what happened can lead to different accounts and another argument.
Sharing how you feel comes from a place of vulnerability. Remember to use ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’ statements. Saying ‘you always’ or ‘you never’ tends to be accusatory and can make your partner feel defensive.
Focus on expressing how their actions made you feel rather than the action itself.
Listen and Validate Your Partner’s Experience
When it comes to arguments, there’s usually never one person who’s right and another who’s wrong. Instead, there are two people with two different perspectives about what happened. Focusing on ‘winning’ the argument is ultimately not helpful, because you may never agree on what happened.
However, what you can do is listen to each other and acknowledge that your partner experienced the event differently than you did. In that way, you can see the experience from their perspective and validate how they felt.
Saying something like, ‘I understand why you felt that way now that you’ve explained it’ or ‘if I were in your shoes, I would feel the same way’ can help your partner feel supported and understood.
Reaffirm Your Connection
Having a difficult conversation with your partner can feel uncomfortable. Especially for people who tend to avoid conflict. Talking about your issues may make you feel disconnected or far apart from your partner.
In those moments, it can be helpful to reaffirm your connection to each other, by saying something like:
- ‘I want to figure this out with you’
- ‘I know we can solve this by working together.’
Verbal affirmation that you both are on the same team can be very comforting. It also encourages a safe space for both parties to speak their mind.
Address the Deeper Issue
How to repair after an argument involves some self-reflection. This is best done after you and your partner have talked about how you felt, listened to each other, and validated each other’s experiences.
Once you’ve reached a place of understanding why the argument happened and how each person experienced it, you can address the issues that are going on underneath the surface.
For example, an argument that starts off about who forgot to take the trash out or who forgot to unload the dishwasher usually is not about the task itself. Rather, there are feelings of:
- Your needs not being important to your partner
- Not being appreciated by your partner
- Being criticized
- Stress from other areas of life like work, family, or kids
- Not being trusted your partner
So while the trigger for the argument may be the dishes or the trash, it’s important to discuss what feelings are going on below the surface as well. Talking about your triggers with your partner can help you better understand where they’re coming from and navigate the situation differently in the future.
Let’s say one of your triggers is feeling criticized by your partner. It may be helpful to discuss ways in which your partner can soften their approach – through their tone or facial expressions, for example, the next time you disagree about something.
Take Accountability
After you’ve had an opportunity to share your experience and listen to your partner, the next step is taking accountability for your role in the argument. Both parties must recognize the ways in which they contributed to the argument in order to move on and learn from it.
A genuine apology includes acknowledging what you did, expressing remorse over what you did, and promising to do better next time.
Make a Plan
The last step moving forward is deciding how to handle this situation moving forward. Repetitive fighting can become exhausting. If both you and your partner take steps to repair and reconnect after a fight, you have a better chance of handling it differently in the future.
Coming up with a plan can look like:
- Both partners aagreeing to slow down during fights
- Giving each other gentle reminders before escalating an arugment
- Agreeing to take a break when disagreements get heated
Talking through the argument allows each person to understand their partner better. And many times, repairing after a fight can actually bring partners closer together.
Need Help Repairing After an Argument?
If you or your partner need help with repairing after an argument, therapy can help you with conflict resolution. There’s no shame in asking for help.
Investing in your relationship can help it blossom. With locations in both the Georgetown and Liberty Hill area, we can’t wait to help. Give us a call today, and we’ll match you to a licensed counselor.
On your side,
Jenna
Jenna Fleming, LPC, NCC, is a Georgetown, TX therapist. She is also the owner at Georgetown and Liberty Hill Child & Family Counseling, where it is their mission to help people thrive through Christ-centered counseling.
