Building emotional connection in a relationship is one way to ensure your relationship has a strong foundation to stand on. Emotional connection helps each partner feels safe, valued, and understood. Without it, many couples can fall into negative cycles of fighting and resentment.
When couples start to turn away from emotional connection, it can be an indicator of poor relationship health. The good news is that emotional connection can be cultivated and rebuilt.
There are many ways to emotionally connect and turn towards your partner on a day-to-day basis. Building an emotional connection in a relationship takes practice and hard work, but it can be done as long as both parties are committed.
What Is Emotional Connection in a Relationship?
Relationship expert and psychologist, Dr. John Gottman, calls the little moments of emotional connection that happen in a relationship on an everyday basis “bids”. He believes bids are “units of emotional connection” in a partnership.
Bids are essentially when one partner reaches out to the other partner for connection. This could look like asking for affirmation, attention, affection, etc. The partner who receives the “bid” has the choice to either turn toward their partner or turn away from their partner.
Some bids are very obvious – such as asking your partner to help you wash the dishes or pick up milk from the grocery store. Other bids are less obvious, like a smile from across the room or saying, “did you see how big the moon was last night?”
“Bids” in a relationship can show up in many ways. It’s important to be emotionally attuned to your partner’s attempts at connecting with you so you can respond to their bids.
Is Emotional Connection Important In a Relationship?
Couples who make successful bids for connection and turn toward each other are more likely to have a happy and fulfilling relationship. In a study conducted by Dr. Gottman, he found that couples who stayed together had something in common – they turned toward each other’s bids much more often than couples that did not stay together.
Gottman also found that bids build upon each other. Meaning, partners who successfully respond to bids create a cycle of positive reinforcement. They are more likely to successfully send and receive more bids in the future.
Conversely, a partner whose bids go unnoticed and unanswered will likely start making fewer bids, reducing the opportunities for emotional connection. This can start a negative cycle that erodes the foundation of a relationship.
It’s important to note that missing a bid entirely is worse than rejecting a bid. For example, if your partner asks you, ‘what did you think of the movie last night?’ while you’re in the middle of tidying up, you may reject their bid. You may say, “I’d love to tell you all about it after I finish tidying up.”
This is not a missed bid. This is a rejected bid. Rejected bids mean both parties are still paying attention to each other. While it may not necessarily be the desire outcome, rejected bids still give both parties opportunities to connect.
Ways of Building Emotional Connection in a Relationship
Express Your Needs Positively
Couples who strive for emotional connection do their best to express their needs positively. This means using “I” statements and focusing on communicating how they feel rather than what their partner is doing “wrong.”
For example, instead of saying this: You never spend one-on-one time with me after we put the kids to bed. You only want to watch sports.
Partners who want to foster emotional connection can say: I want us to spend more one-on-one time after we put the kids to bed. Why don’t we choose a movie to watch tomorrow night?
Expressing your needs positively helps set the tone for the rest of the conversation. It’s more likely to garner a positive response or start a productive conversation. Accusing or criticizing your partner may put them on the defensive and make them less willing to listen.
Show Appreciation
Showing appreciation for your partner is something small you can do that can make a large impact. Appreciation makes your partner feel valued and seen. Beyond that, it also allows you to practice the skills of noticing and paying attention to your partner that will allow you to pick up on their bids.
When giving a compliment, try making it unique and specific. For example:
- I loved how playful you were with the kids this afternoon
- You were so thoughtful when you brought back crossaints from my favorite bakery
- I love the way you are so passionate about the project you’re working on
Be Vulnerable WIth Each Other
An important part of emotional connection is the willingness to be vulnerable with your partner. Well, what does being vulnerable mean exactly? It starts with a willingness to be open and share your feelings honestly with each other.
This can look like speaking up when something bothers you or asking for help in moments you need it. Sharing your inner world – your thoughts and feelings – with your partner can help you understand each other better. This can make it easier for both of you to recognize bids when they occur.
Do Something Out of the Ordinary
Building emotional connection in a relationship doesn’t happen by chance, it must be nurtured and cultivated just like anything else. It can be easy to fall into a routine and start to lose those feelings of connection.
Consider doing something out of ordinary with your partner once a week or once a month to intentionally connect with each other. This could include:
- Going on a walk around the neighborhood
- Picnicking in the park
- Going to a show or concert
- Checking out a new restaurant
- Taking a class together
Need Help Building Emotional Connection In a Relationship?
If you and your partner need help recognizing and responding to each other’s bids, therapy can help. You can take steps to rebuild the fundamental unit of emotional connection and learn to turn towards each other.
Our licensed professionals are ready and excited to help you. You call, we match you, it’s that easy. We have two convenient locations in the Georgetown and Liberty Hill area. Give us a call today.
Here for you,
Jenna
Jenna Fleming, LPC, NCC, is a Georgetown, TX therapist. She is also the owner at Georgetown and Liberty Hill Child & Family Counseling, where it is their mission to help people thrive through Christ-centered counseling.
