Quick answer: Holiday tension with in-laws usually comes from four places: clashing traditions, criticism, competing for time, and different opinions. Talking with your partner first, then setting clear and kind boundaries, makes the biggest difference.
The holiday season is supposed to be a time of joy and togetherness, but for many people, it can also be a time of stress and tension, especially when it comes to dealing with in-laws. Whether you’re spending the holidays with your spouse’s parents for the first time, or you’ve been dealing with difficult in-laws for years, here are some common struggles that you might encounter, and some tips for how to handle them.
- Different holiday traditions and expectations
One of the biggest challenges that people face when spending the holidays with in-laws is navigating different traditions and expectations. Your in-laws may have different religious or cultural traditions than you, or they may have specific expectations for how the holidays should be celebrated. This can lead to conflict and misunderstandings, especially if you’re not sure how to participate in these traditions.
Solution: Before the holidays, have a conversation with your in-laws about their traditions and expectations, and be open about your own. Find ways to incorporate both of your traditions into your celebrations, and be willing to compromise on certain aspects if necessary. Remember that the holidays are about spending time with loved ones, not adhering to a specific set of traditions.
- Overbearing or critical in-laws
Another common struggle that people face with in-laws during the holidays is dealing with overbearing or critical behavior. Your in-laws may be overly involved in your holiday plans, or they may be critical of the way you’re doing things.
Solution: Be clear and direct with your in-laws about your boundaries and expectations. If they are overly involved, let them know that you appreciate their help but would prefer to handle things on your own. If they are critical, calmly let them know that their comments are hurtful and ask them to stop. Remember that you have a right to set boundaries and protect your own emotional well-being.
- Competing for time with family
Another struggle that people often face with in-laws during the holidays is competing for time with family. You may have conflicting schedules or different ideas about how much time to spend together, which can lead to hurt feelings and misunderstandings.
Solution: Get on the same page with your partner before you talk to either family. Be clear and upfront with your in-laws about your holiday schedule, and try to find a compromise that works for everyone. Remember that it’s okay to prioritize your own family’s needs and traditions, but also try to be flexible and make time for your in-laws if possible.
- Managing differing personalities and opinions
Finally, one of the biggest struggles that people face with in-laws during the holidays is managing differing personalities and opinions. Your in-laws may have different political or social beliefs, or they may simply have different personalities that clash with your own.
Solution: Try to find common ground and focus on the things that you have in common, rather than dwelling on your differences. Be respectful of each other’s opinions and try to have open and honest conversations without getting defensive or confrontational. Remember that you don’t have to agree on everything to have a positive relationship.
If the holidays bring up the same tension in your marriage every year, that’s worth talking through before the next one. Our couples counselors help partners get on the same team, with family and with each other.
We respond to every inquiry within one business day, and most new clients are seen within a week. In person in Georgetown and Liberty Hill, or virtually anywhere in Texas.
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Jenna Dunham, LPC, owner of Central Texas Child and Family Counseling
