Boundaries – I’m sure you’ve heard about them by now. It’s the latest buzzword on everyone’s mind.
Even if you already know what boundaries are, you still might have a hard time telling the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries.
When it comes to relationships, the word boundaries can sound restrictive – and even stifling – to some people. But the truth is, boundaries are not about restricting others. Boundaries are about honoring your own personal needs. That way, you’ll be able to show up more fully for those around you.
Having boundaries can actually be an incredibly freeing experience, because it means you’re no longer holding yourself to other people’s expectations of you. It can lead to less resentment, less pent-up anger, and less conflict in your relationships.
If you’re thinking, that all sounds great, sign me up! You’re in the right place. Welcome to our two-part series about setting healthy boundaries in a relationship.
What Are Boundaries?
A boundary, in the simplest sense, is a line that separates you from someone else. Having boundaries helps you distinguish where you end and where someone else begins.
Boundaries can be thought of as a way to protect your time, energy, space, and emotional wellbeing.
When you don’t have boundaries, you might feel yourself being roped into things you don’t want to do because you don’t want to upset the other person. You have a hard time separating out their feelings from your own, and you may feel responsible for the other person’s feelings.
People who have strong boundaries:
- Have a clear distinction between what’s their responsibility and what’s not.
- Feel comfortable saying no to things they don’t want to do and don’t feel guilty for doing so.
- Know the types of behavior that they’re willing to accept and not willing to accept.
Having boundaries goes hand-in-hand with having a strong sense of self because you need to be aware of your own individual needs, preferences, and desires in order to communicate those to other people.
What are Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship?
A relationship with healthy boundaries involves two partners who are willing to take responsibility for their own feelings and actions, without taking responsibility for their partner’s feelings and actions.
Both parties know that they cannot be their partner’s “everything”. Instead, they both accept and agree with the idea that a partner cannot fulfill every single one of their needs. They don’t view each other as two parts of a whole, but rather, two whole individuals who support and enhance each other’s lives.
This dynamic means that both partners respect and honor each other’s needs as individuals in addition to the needs of the relationship. They are not giving more than they want to give or taking too much from their partner.
Signs of Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship
You most likely have healthy boundaries if you…
- Can tell your partner you don’t want to do something without feeling guilty
- Can spend time away from your partner without them becoming angry, jealous, or controlling
- Give gifts to your partner because you want to, not because you feel like you have to
- Can listen to your partner’s problems without feeling the need to ‘solve’ them
- Can disagree with your partner without fearing their reaction
In these scenarios, both partners are supporting each other’s individuality, without sacrificing their own. There is a mutual respect and healthy give and take between the two parties.
What are Unhealthy Boundaries in Relationships?
The easiest way to understand unhealthy boundaries in a relationship is to take a look at an example:
Lucy is an introvert and doesn’t enjoy large social gatherings. Her boyfriend Logan invites her to a birthday party, to which she declines. When she says no, Logan starts saying how important this party is to him and how he already told everyone he was bringing his girlfriend. He said he would be really upset if she said no. Reluctantly, Lucy agrees to go to the birthday party.
Let’s dissect what’s going on here. First off, Lucy is clearly ignoring her own needs in order to make Logan happy and avoid conflict. She is a classic people pleaser who feels responsible for other people’s happiness.
Secondly, we see that Logan gets upset at Lucy’s boundary around large social gatherings. Even though, this boundary isn’t meant to upset Logan. Lucy is simply trying to protect her own space and energy. Instead of accepting her boundary, Logan guilt trips Lucy into saying yes. He believes that if she knew how important the party was to him, she would go.
As illustrated by this scenario, there are generally two types of people who struggle with poor boundaries in relationships. There are those who feel responsible for their partner’s feelings (the “fixer”) and those who expect their partner to take responsibility for their feelings (the “victim”).
The fixer feels guilty saying no to their partner and often ends up feeling resentful for all the concessions they make.
The victim often comes off as too needy or anxious, which can actually drive their partner away if they become jealous or controlling.
Both the fixer and the victim have a hard time separating their identity from their partners, which can lead to muddled expectations and conflict.
Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries in Relationships
You may struggle with boundaries if you..
- Feel lost without your partner
- Think if your partner broke up with you, you’d be nothing
- Get upset when your partner is upset
- Feel responsible or blame yourself for your partner’s emotional state
- Don’t have friends or hobbies outside of your relationship
- Feel guilty for taking time for yourself
If you struggle with any of these signs, there’s no need to feel ashamed. Many of us have trouble enforcing our boundaries. And like most things, the only way to get better at it is to practice!
There’s No Shame in Seeking Help
Remember that you don’t have to do it alone. Talking to a licensed professional can help you gain clarity on your boundaries and why you have a hard time enforcing them. You can honor your own needs while still being a great partner – it is possible.
Give Central Texas Child and Family Counseling a call today. We have convenient locations in both the Georgetown and Liberty Hill area. Our dedicated counselors are here to support you.
Hang on for Part 2 of the Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships series. Next time we’ll talk about why we struggle with boundaries and simple steps you can take to get better at enforcing your boundaries.
Stay tuned!
Jenna
