You set clothes out the night before. Kids went to bed at a decent hour. You did everything you know to be right.
But it happened again.
Anxiety consumed the morning.
“No- I don’t want to go! I hate school! Can’t you just let me stay at home!?”
Oh, those dreaded cries! It sucks your energy and gets the day started in the exact opposite tone that you had hoped.
Flooded with doubt you start comparing yourself to other families. You wonder what everyone else seems to know that you don’t and it feels like anxiety is taking over your family’s joy.
You are not alone! Tons of families struggle with anxiety problems. If you or your child experience excessive anxiety, that does not mean there is something wrong. It just means that something you are doing is not working.
There are some key things that people who do not struggle with anxiety do differently.
And here’s the good news…you can do them too and you can model and teach your child as well. As you learn and handle anxiety better yourself, it will give you the tools for helping your child through this, too.
There are no big secrets or magic tricks here. These are all straightforward habits that you can get into, starting right now.
In the long run, your anxiety will only change if you change your behavior. And even though you can’t control the anxiety, you definitely CAN control what you do and guide your child to do the same.
Habit #1: Don’t put up a fight.
The most basic, most important thing to know about anxiety is that avoidance does not work. What you resist will persist!
The harder you try to not feel anxious, the more anxious you will feel. This is why anxiety does not get better on its own.
So, the only choice is to accept: instead of fighting the anxiety, simply allow the anxiety to be there. This might sound crazy at first, but it really does work.
People who don’t have an anxiety problem DO still have some anxiety…it’s a normal part of life. But anxiety feeds off of you fighting with it; so if you fight it, it only gets worse. Parents, show loving care and help when needed, but please don’t ‘feed’ into your child’s anxiety too much. Without time and attention, the anxiety eventually backs down without having to do anything about it.
Habit #2: Be okay with uncertainty.
In some way, almost all forms of anxiety stem from fear of uncertainty. Anxious folks really struggle with tolerating the unknown. They feel like they MUST know things and be in control of every situation. But this is never possible…life always involves some uncertainty.
Because of this reason, tools like calendars, schedules, and predictability can help to ease some symptoms with kids or adults. In fact, I use those tools myself. Realize, however, that those are tools and that life always involves some uncertainty. People who do not struggle with anxiety problems know and accept this.
Let go of the excessive lengths to mentally analyze situations or excessively plan for every possible outcome. Focus on what’s happening in the present moment (life is so much more fun that way).
Habit #3: Let go of the expectations.
Children and adults with anxiety problems put demands on their feelings. They believe there is a right way and a wrong way to feel for certain situations. For instance, one might think that it’s okay to feel anxious before a test, but it’s not okay to feel panicky for seemingly no reason.
Here’s the truth- you are who you are and you feel the way you feel. There is not a right or wrong way that someone ‘should’ feel in a given situation. Feelings come and go. They happen to you and they do not identify you or your child.
It’s for this reason that I highly recommend avoiding terms like “I am anxious” or “I am sad”. You may feel anxious or you may feel sad in the moment, but all feelings are passing and NOT who you are. Notice and accept that.
People who don’t have an anxiety problem don’t overidentify with emotions or set unrealistic expectations that they should feel calm all the time. So when anxiety hits, it’s no big deal. They let themselves feel whatever they feel and move on with their day.
Habit #4: Just Keep Swimming!
My favorite fish, Dory, lived in uncertainty and unknown to the extreme (short term memory issues, if you don’t recall). Faced with the fear of all fears, fighting for life, her motto ‘Just keep swimming!’ gives light to the power of movement forward and of not becoming frozen in fear.
Listen, you are a courageous and amazing being. Let that sink in.
Life is filled with highs and lows. People who don’t have anxiety problems feel anxious (and sad, depressed and lonely)- but they don’t let it stop them from moving ahead. They keep right on going, in spite of the anxiety. They accept that some anxiety is a normal part of life. They may even reframe that energy as excitement and simply keep moving. By not letting it change how they spend their time, they prevent it from becoming a persistent problem.
This is one of the most important habits to know- stay actively moving and looking forward.
Anxiety can seem big, but you are bigger and stronger and I know you can handle this.
If you consistently apply these habits, you will no longer be doing the things that fuel the anxiety and you will begin to see things move in a more positive direction.
There are so many treatment methods, tools and ways to help with managing anxiety. I wrote a post on this topic, “Helping Children With Anxiety“, which has lots of helpful things to try.
Developing new habits takes courage, effort and time. But you CAN train yourself to become aware and to make these shifts. Write down the top 2 habits you’d especially like to focus on. It’s about progress, not perfection.
Having someone to talk to can really help- an encouraging spouse, parent, friend or counselor can make a big difference.
Need more help? – I have a FREE download to give you support! Grab it on the sidebar or at the bottom of this page. You can also contact me for a free counseling/coaching phone consult.
Parenting can be easier- You got this!
Jenna Fleming is a licensed professional counselor serving kids, teens, and parents in Georgetown, TX. She offers counseling services, courses and classes to help families enjoy life more fully and get to a smoother, healthier path.
