Change, turbulence and independence are hallmark traits of the teenage years. And for many parents, communicating with their teen can seem like stepping into a foreign country with no translator. The result of these communication issues can be family tension, strife, and aggravation, which ultimately breaks down trust and the relationship between you and your teen.
Though the road along the teen years is bound to provide its share of twists, turns, and bumps, there are ways to help smooth the path. The most obvious is to prevent some of the common pitfalls that parents fall into during the teen years.
Below are three tips to help settle some of the turbulence during the teen years. Though they are simple suggestions, they are often overlooked and can provide a powerful impact on you and your teens’ relationship.
Adjust your Expectations
Toddlers need a close, watchful parent nearby protecting them from potential harms. Elementary year children are developing more independence but parents are still keeping an eye on things at a nearby distance. Teens, however, are at a stage of developing their own identity and exploring with becoming an adult. Independence is a necessary part of this stage.
While it’s very important to be clear about your family values and to set some clear expectations and parameters- especially around safety issues, it’s also important to allow some space for your teen. Avoid hovering over the details of your child’s small choices. Focus on sticking with clear expectations and reasonable limits on the things that matter most. Using a Win-Win agreement can be especially helpful when issues are gridlocked or the topic is a tricky one.
Watch your language
No one likes to be picked on and frequent criticism can really feel awful. Overly critical parents often have teens who avoid, shut out or are angry and argumentative. It’s also breeding ground for insecure kids who second guess their decisions and can attract unhealthy relationships.
Adults whose instructions are constantly negative come across as nagging and are more likely to produce the very behavior they are trying to prevent. Be mindful of your words- the way we speak often results in outcomes we’re trying to avoid.
Choose to notice the positive in your teen and focus on the outcomes you want. Becoming more willing to praise, affirm and encourage opens the door for your teen to communicate from a place of safety, not defensiveness. Although your teen may not tell you, your words truly still matter to them very much.
Open your Ears
We all know the saying that there’s a reason why we have two ears and one mouth- listening is twice as important. This simple reminder is so true not only for those seeking wisdom, for those seeking to act wisely. Lecturing for parents is as natural as a kid begging for candy, but like the crash after the sugar rush, lecturing often leads to wasted energy and headaches.
The way to your kid’s heart is to sincerely listen. I mean, really, truly listen. No-unsolicited-advise-giving listening. We all have a deep desire to be seen, heard and understood. God gave us the gift of listening to deepen our relationships and understanding of one another. Take time to meet your teen in ‘their’ domain- sit on their bed, hang out on a Netflix binge, try to understand why that crazy app they love is so important to them.
What may seem meaningless and unimportant to you, may be the key to unlocking the relationship block between you and your teen.
When you really listen to another person from their point of view, and reflect back to them that understanding, it’s like giving them emotional oxygen.” – Dr. Stephen R. Covey
The teen years are filled with change for kids and parents alike. As the whole family learns to adjust the sails in the new waters at this stage, it can feel overwhelming for everyone. Stick with your core values and move forward with small and consistent actions that open doors for communication. Not all of your efforts will be received, your boundaries will surely be challenged, but in the end, the investment of your relationship with your teen will be worth it.
Sometimes families feel so overwhelmed with communication trouble, they really aren’t sure where to begin. I’ve created an affordable and comprehensive ecourse to help with this very thing- Deeply Rooted: Family Reboot. You can download it today for more tools on strengthening relationships in your family and getting effective systems in place to build up your family.
Wishing you smooth roads ahead.
Jenna
Jenna Fleming, LPC, NCC, is owner and clinician at Georgetown Child & Family Counseling. She specializes in working with children, teens, young adults and those who care for them. She writes and speaks on topics that support parents, educators, and counselors in doing the sacred work they do.
