Ah, the teenage years – every parent’s worst nightmare. One day, your child is a sweet, affectionate little kid and the next they’re a moody, angsty teen. You want to talk to your teen but you don’t know where to start.
While your child used to come home and excitedly tell you everything about their day, from who they played with at recess to what they ate for a snack, you can hardly get a word out of them now.
When you ask them how their day was, they answer with a ‘fine’ or an eye roll before they go back to watching TikToks on their phone.
This transition period can feel like a trying time, as your teen starts to pull away or demand more privacy. This is a natural process as they start to individuate and figure out their identity outside of the family. It’s your job as a parent to support this process of growth and provide guidance.
But how can you give guidance if you feel your teen won’t listen to anything you say? It starts with learning some tips and tricks that can help you effectively communicate with your teen. You may be surprised how these small changes can make a huge difference.
Don’t Dictate
As your kids grow older, you may realize that barking orders at them doesn’t get you the result you’re hoping for.
One simple trick is rather than telling your kids what to do, try framing what you want as a question.
Let’s say your teen is playing video games when he has a math exam coming up, and he struggles with taking tests. Instead of telling him to study, you can take a softer approach and ask him how studying for his math exam is going.
Posing a question can be effective for many reasons.
First, it opens the door to conversation. Maybe studying isn’t going so well, and your teen wants to get some reassurance from you. This is a great way to ‘check in’ with your teen without appearing invasive. Second, it shows your teen that you trust them to make the right decision.
Even though it feels like your teens are still your babies, you have to recognize that they are on their way to becoming adults (eek!). You can’t tell them what to do for the rest of their life, so start giving them opportunities to do what’s best for them, on their own.
Empathize
As a parent, when your teen comes to you with a problem, it might be your gut instinct to problem-solve. For example, say your daughter tells you she’s dealing with friend drama. Her friend Ashley is suddenly ignoring her and purposefully excluding her from social events.
Before kicking into ‘parent mode’ and giving advice, take a second to empathize with your teen. It can be helpful to mirror her feelings back to her to let her know you’re listening.
Some helpful phrases include:
- I hear that _ is really hard for you.
- I’m sorry that you’re going through _.
- I can understand why you feel _.
- You would like me to understand you’re feeling _ because of _.
Empathizing with your teen will create a safe space for them to come to you with their problems. Teens don’t always want to be ‘parented’. Sometimes, they just want their feelings to be heard and validated.
Always empathize first before giving advice. You might even find that when you empathize, teens are more receptive to what you have to say.
Listen, Don’t Pry
Along the same lines, when your teen decides to come to you, don’t take that as an opportunity to interrogate them.
Maybe your teen just wants to talk about their day or vent about school. If that’s the case, it’s not necessary to probe into every single detail. Let your teen share what they’re comfortable sharing, and trust that they will fill you in on the important details.
Every conversation doesn’t have to turn a lecture when you talk to your teen. Give your teen room to speak and be heard too.
Keep Your Emotions in Check
Here’s the scenario: let’s say your teen is telling you they’ve missed a few soccer practices, and they’re frustrated because their coach is going to bench them for the big game.
Your initial reaction to this statement might be frustration or even anger. You might feel yourself wanting to say something like, ‘Well why didn’t you just go to practice? It’s not that hard!”
The key here is to practice keeping your initial reaction in check. When we let our reactions get the best of us we often default to judging, criticizing, blaming, shaming, or lecturing.
Let’s take a step back and empathize first. Put yourself in your teen’s shoes. They most likely already feel bad for being benched. Their coach probably already had a talk with them about their attendance.
And maybe there’s something else going on with your teen that you don’t know about. Why have they been missing practice? Is it stress from school? From friends?
Your teens, whether they admit it or not, are still very sensitive to what you have to say. They look up to you and seek your approval. So be slow to judge in situations like this. Make sure the words you’re using are going to be constructive to your goal. Criticizing and blaming are usually not the way to go.
Be Encouraging
As much as teenagers pretend like they ‘don’t care’ what you think, they still very much need their parents’ support and validation!
It’s incredibly important to praise your teen when you see them doing the right thing and making good choices. Positive reinforcement is the best way to encourage positive behaviors.
Show Trust
When we say show your teens trust, we don’t mean give them the keys to your new BMW. What we mean is give them opportunities to show off their abilities.
Teenagers can be unsure of themselves, so this is a fantastic way to build their self-esteem.
Some ways to show your trust include putting them in charge of certain tasks, like baking the Thanksgiving pie or planning an outing for the next family vacation.
Give Them a Voice
Do you ever notice that sometimes the hardest part of talking to a teen is…getting them to talk?
Well, the truth is: sometimes parents talk at their kids rather than talking to them. They’re constantly telling their teens to clean their room or pick up their shoes in the hallway.
This communication can make the parent-teen relationship feel very one-sided.
If you never go beyond communicating with your teens on a practical level, they may not want to open up to you about personal stuff.
To remedy this, make sure to start casual conversations with your teen too.
One trick to getting your teens to talk is by asking specific questions. Such as, what activity did you enjoy most on our trip? How is track practice going? What are your thoughts about what’s going on in politics right now?
You’ll find more luck with specific questions, as opposed to overarching questions like ‘how’s life?’ or ‘how’s school?’. Smaller, more manageable, questions will lend itself easier to conversation.
Spend Time Together
Last, but certainly not least, make sure to take advantage of the time you spend with your teens. Sometimes the best bonding moments happen when you least expect it – on a long car drive, running an errand together, or just during a quiet night at home.
Keep your eyes peeled for opportunities to get to know your teen better. Sometimes the simplest action, like listening or being there, can make the biggest impact.
Still Having Trouble Getting Through to Your Teen?
Maybe your teen is dealing with some difficult feelings, such as anxiety or depression. In that case, the best course of action might be for them to speak to a licensed counselor.
Navigating the ‘terrible teen’ years is hard – you don’t have to do it alone. There is no shame in seeking help.
Our counselors at Central Texas Child and Family Counseling are here to help, with convenient locations in both Georgetown and Liberty Hill. Come see us today.
Here for you,
-Jenna
