Have you ever had a ridiculous fight with your partner? I remember one about salsa that was actually about budgeting. The one about dishes that was actually about sharing responsibility. There was the coffee ordeal- that was actually about showing appreciation for one another. And don’t even get me started on the parenting arguments that have actually been about healing our own childhood wounds!
Just about every relationship lasting over a year has had its fair share of ridiculous arguments. For some, it’s a daily bickering habit. For others, not so much. But we can all agree that fighting is aggravating and upsetting. Some might say it’s a sign of doom.
Well, Dr. John Gottman might not agree. With over 40 years of researching couples, Dr. Gottman is the world’s leading marriage researcher today. With 95% accuracy, he can predict divorce after only a 15-minute observation.
According to Gottman, 95% of divorces have something in common. It’s not if the couple fights, it’s how. And there are 4 ‘doom’ ways that we can interact in a relationship.
So what are the four areas? Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling
Criticism in a Relationship
Criticism is when a partner immediately accuses the other of something. The partner says something like, “Why aren’t the clothes put up?” This is a direct attack and doesn’t leave room for conversation. This usually leads to defensiveness.
The antidote for criticism is to use a softer start-up. For example, “I see the clothes didn’t get picked up. Did you have a busy day with the kids?” Using an I statement or making an observation opens the conversation for discussing the real needs.
Defensiveness when You’re Feeling Attacked
Imagine your partner says, “Why didn’t you put away the laundry like you said you would?!” Naturally, you might reach with “You know, you can pitch in with the laundry every now and then, too. What have you been doing? You don’t know everything else I’ve been doing all day!” This ups the level of the conversation and leads to a fight.
Even though your partner may have attacked and criticized you, the best way to diffuse your defensiveness is to take ownership of what is true. For example, “Yup, you’re right, I said I’d put away the laundry and I wasn’t able to get to that.”
The Poison of Relationships, Contempt
According to Dr. Gottman’s research, when the dynamic of “contempt” is present, it is one of the strongest predictors of divorce. Contempt is when one person positions themselves above the other, almost like a parent. It might come across as, “You never do anything right, you can’t even handle the laundry!” When this happens, the equal respect in the relationship diminishes, which destroys intimacy.
The best way to combat contempt is for the person to articulate what they need. For example, “Having the laundry done and clothes put away helps me to feel calmer and at ease. Can we discuss a plan together on how to achieve this?”
Stonewalling the Silent Treatment
Stonewalling usually occurs when one or both people are flooded. Flooding occurs when our pulse is above 100 beats per minute and oxygen can’t get to the brain. For some, their response is to ‘freeze’ or disengage with the fight with the purpose of adding less fuel to the fire. Stonewallers might be using silence as a form of revenge or might be thinking “I don’t know what to say or do.” Either way, it doesn’t allow for productive conversations.
To combat this, effective couples will learn ways to sooth their emotions. They will take a break that is at least 20 minutes long and seek to relax from the fight. They may step aside, go for a walk, complete a chore, breathe deeply. It doesn’t matter how, but once calm, productive couples calming work through their issues.
Fighting is normal in relationships, but the ‘master’ couples that stay together seek to avoid the ‘disaster’ couple patterns in what Gottman has labeled the 4 Horsemen: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Master couples seek to find a productive way to learn from the fight and improve to build a long-term relationship.
Wanting to learn more or get some help for your relationship? We have Gottman Trained couples therapists who are here to help. Learn more about our couples counseling services and contact us to schedule a session.
Wishing you lasting love and respect in your relationship.
Jenna
Jenna Fleming, LPC, NCC, is a Georgetown, TX therapist. She is also the owner at Georgetown Child & Family Counseling, where it is their mission to help people reconnect with what’s important and to help children and families thrive.
