Are things always going to be difficult? Why can’t we ever get on the same page? Does peace around here mean I have to give in? How come all I hear is complaining?
Many parents get caught in the “it’s either you…or me” mindset and feel stuck in a pattern they can’t seem to get themselves out of.
Here’s the good news: you don’t have to stay stuck.
There are better, healthier ways to be supportive of your kids, get on the same page with your spouse and stay true to you. Lots of families are simply neglecting some really important essentials.
I’ll walk you through three essentials that’ll help make parenting easier and give you concrete action for getting your family on a smoother path.
And even better, with some self-reflection and action, they are all very do-able!
Essential #1: The Right Frame of Mind
“It’ll never get better.”
“He just won’t change.”
“If she would only… then things would get better.”
Your mindset is powerful! What you think really paints the picture of your reality. Thoughts turn into feelings, which motivates behavior and ultimately gets you outcomes.
Now don’t get me wrong- I get that this statement really oversimplifies things. But hear me out- most people walk through life without an awareness of the constant dialogue running in their head.
Pay attention to your thoughts and your words.
People get into habits of predicting their futures. If you continue to think “Things won’t get better” let me tell ya- you’re probably right!
If you want to see positive change in your family, begin with the right mindset.
Challenge yourself when your mind wants to go toward the negative. Surround yourself with people who’ll encourage you. Let your friends and family know you’re working on your mindset so they can support you too. And- try these new ‘mind-hats’ on for size:
- Change is possible.
- Things can get better.
- Help is out there.
Essential #2: Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries are not just walls that separate rooms, boundaries are in just about every area of our life- our physical closeness, our emotions (vulnerability), time, health, finances…this list can go on for a while, people!
Sometimes boundaries can be too restrictive (like a brick wall) or too permissive (like no wall). These unhealthy boundaries especially happen where there is an unresolved hurt or broken trust in an area of our life.
A healthy approach to setting boundaries is to be protective (firm) while being open to intimacy (flexible)- kinda like a door in the middle of that wall.
This is an important life skill…one that you need and one that your child needs to learn! Think about the consequences of a child who has no boundary skills in a bullying situation- or how about when it’s time to start dating?!
Do I have your attention now?
By maintaining healthy boundaries yourself, you are teaching your child how they can set boundaries for themselves. Modeling is the most powerful way of teaching.
So, what is it exactly that parents can do to model good boundaries you say?! I’m glad you asked. Here are a few ideas:
- Physical Care- eat healthy, exercise and get enough sleep
- Stress Management- keep work ‘at the office’, do things you enjoy and play
- Time Boundaries- honor other’s time, say ‘no’ when needed and give time to things that are important to you
- Spiritual Growth- read scripture, pray as a family, designate a ‘do not disturb’ time for mom/dad to get centered
- Relationships- give and receive respect, date your spouse and avoid ‘bad-mouthing’ others
Essential #3: Clear Expectations
Aaagh! Your kid’s constantly ‘testing’ you and you can’t get on the same page with your spouse!
If this is you- you are not alone! Soooo many parents experience this, but listen up- this does not have to be the demise of your sanity!
Clearing up communication is the foundation for getting back on track. Here’s a quick way to clear up lots of communication ‘muck’:
Use expectations vs. general rules. What?! Why? Well simply put- people resist rules. Plus, there’s no way to think of a rule for every single scenario. And worst of all- the rigidity of rules lead to way more power-struggles.
Don’t get me wrong- I do have some specific house rules like- no food in bedrooms. This keeps me sane. But when it comes to handling broader behaviors- expectations is a much more effective tool to use.
My home has 2 expectations: Safety and Respect. They cover just about every area you can think of – and they allow for our instruction to adjust as our kids grow. For example, when my kids were around 3 years old, our safety expectation focused on things like using nice hands and sticking together. At 9 years old, we’ve moved on to things like online and bike safety.
You see, as kids grow, the lessons evolve but the expectations will continue to be relevant and important.
And bonus– it gives my husband and me consistent language and direction– during tough parenting moments and even with our different parenting styles.
Spend time getting real clear on simple, but broad expectations (and yes- you are welcome to steal mine).
Write it down. Include your kids in on a conversation and talk about what that means. Kids are concrete learners, so give examples, role play scenarios and focus on teaching or having them re-do desired behaviors.
Then- use that language and support your spouse as they do too.
Parents often bicker about the method of parenting but let’s get real- no two people will ever parent identically. Your energy is better spent to focus on being consistent with expectations and follow through.
Feeling empowered?
Let’s review- and hey, get yourself moving to take action on these things…
- Get in the right mindset– focus on positive outcome thinking!
- Model healthy boundaries– your kids need you to take care of YOU!
- Get clear on expectations– use consistent language to get on the same page.
Need a little extra help but not ready for a therapist’s office? I totally get it- that’s why I created my Family Reboot eCourse, a 3-4 week guide to help families get re-centered so they can move forward with clearer direction.
See, totally do-able! Wishing you smoother and joy-filled days ahead!
Jenna Fleming is a licensed professional counselor serving kids, teens, and parents in Georgetown, TX. She offers counseling services, courses and classes to help families enjoy life more fully and get to a smoother, healthier path.
