Coparenting after a divorce can be messy awkward and hard! Adjusting to the new roles in coparenting with your former spouse is no easy task, but it’s an essential investment in helping your kids to thrive.
What is coparenting?
Coparenting is when two parents work together to raise children even though they are not living together. Divorced parents that have a successful coparenting relationship often find that their divorce has a smaller impact on their kids than those divorces with high conflict.
Positive coparenting includes:
- value and respect
- an ongoing communication about the child
- healthy relationships between the child and both of his/her parents
- a joint investment in the child
Adjusting to new roles
As a coparenting couple, you are no longer lovers, you are partners with a common investment. It helps to think of your new relationship more like a business partnership. You are both in the business of raising healthy children and every coparenting decision you make together is decided based on that: healthy thriving children.
As business partners, it’s important to set some boundaries and new behaviors around this very important common goal.
- Focus on positives- In your career, you wouldn’t publically put down your own business! The same is true for coparenting. It’s important that kids hear good things about each parent because each parent is a part of them. When you put down one parent you are putting down half of your child- hurting your coparenting business goals and your child.
- Consult rather than inform– A good business partner wouldn’t just inform the other partner that they made the decision to sell off half of the company. In your coparenting business, it’s just as essential to consult with the other parent and listen to what they have to say rather than just inform of decisions. When making decisions, listen to both sides and come up with an agreement based on what’s in the best interest of your children. This is often difficult, but it matters to kids when BOTH of their parents are talking to each other and making decisions together about their life.
- Stick to facts– Bringing up the past or pointing fingers will only delay important decisions and waste everyone’s energy. When communicating on topics about your child, simply state the issue and stick to facts- Jane wants to take piano. The cost is $400. Even if we split this it will be difficult for me to afford. The lessons are offered on Thursdays. Do you have any thoughts or suggestions? If we decide we can’t afford this, how are we going to handle talking with Jane about it? -These are not times to mention who has or hasn’t paid for what in the past. Focus on facts, work together and be a problem solver.
- MYOB– That’s right, Mind Your Own Business! In your coparenting business, it’s important to set a clear boundary between personal and business information. It is no longer your business how your ex spends their money or if they have started dating. The only issues in your business are those related to your children. It’s tempting to use kids as an excuse to get information, but check your agenda and create good boundaries. Unplug from your former spouse. That means “Unfollow” them on Facebook (and other social media). Move forward. Let go and let God.
- Play nice– Depending on the age of your children, you may have close to two decades of business partnership in your future! Treating each other with respect will make the years so much more enjoyable for everyone. More importantly, your kids are watching! The behavior you model is teaching your child his/her most powerful lessons. Business partners use common courtesies. They do not take things personally. They act like grown-ups. Let your kids focus on kid stuff- do not make them worry about mom and dad’s unpleasant behavior.
Know when to get help
Even the best businesses seek outside support. An outside consultant can help partners come to an agreement or help the business acquire new skills for greater success. As coparents, seeking outside support may be useful and a counselor or mediator who can guide families in these new roles can be really helpful.
There is no one-size-fits-all business plan in coparenting. Only you can decide how your family will move forward and to what degree the business will thrive.
Remember your common goal: Healthy Thriving Children. Here’s a powerful letter from a child to his parents about their divorce~
Wishing you many blesssings for a healthy, thriving future ahead…
Jenna Fleming is a licensed professional counselor serving kids, teens, and parents in Georgetown, TX. She offers counseling services, courses and classes to help families enjoy life more fully and get to a smoother, healthier path.
