Understanding Boundaries
A boundary marks a limit.
In the physical world we see this everywhere. The fence between my yard and my neighbor’s yard is a limit. It marks where their property ends and mine begins. The fence isn’t rude or unkind. It simply is.
In fact, the fence helps us both have a positive, neighborly relationship. It keeps their dog from digging up our yard and our dog from digging up theirs.
It keeps us both happier and less likely to have feelings of anger or resentment because of a crossed boundary.
Other types of boundaries are helpful like this, too.
Boundaries come in many forms, many invisible. It’s important to know what your boundary is, so you know when you are over your own limit.
Recognizing Your Boundaries
The first step in understanding personal boundaries is to begin to pay attention to your emotions. Times of having relationship difficulties or feelings of overwhelm or resentfulness might be signals of boundary issues.
Some questions you can ask yourself in these moments are…
- Why am I feeling this way?
- If I am saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’, is that what I really want?
- Is this in alignment with who I am and my values?
- Am I trying to please or seek approval by doing this?
- Is this mine? (my responsibility, my emotion, my business…)
- Am I over or under reacting because of a past hurt?
- Am I trying to control something that is not in my control?
Good personal boundaries protect you while allowing you to engage in building meaningful relationships. They aren’t overly permissive or overly rigid and they don’t take responsibility for things that don’t belong to them.
Having a sense of boundaries and limits also helps you to connect with your true self.
Many Forms of boundaries
Boundaries come in many different forms. Below are a few
Material / Financial:
things you lend or buy, money and spending
Physical:
how you want to be touched or not touched, personal space
Mental:
thoughts, values, opinions, self esteem
Emotional:
how you feel about something, identity, choices
Time:
what you want to spend your time or energy on
Social:
who you want to spend time with
Teaching our Children
People learn about boundaries through relationships. Children experience and learn this first through their parents.
Having a clear understanding of boundaries is very important work for parents to do. Boundary work with kids isn’t just discipline. It’s also about the ability to negotiate needs, set limits and communicate clearly.
These are important life lessons.
Parenting from a place of clarity is how we can love with a whole heart. Our kids can trigger our own past wounds and that can really muck up our boundaries. It’s all of our job to look inward and bring to light the areas to be looked at and healed.
In doing this hard and important work, we can come from a more loving, clearer place that is not only healthier in our personal relationships, but in modeling for our children.
How Counseling can Help
When it comes to boundaries, it can be very difficult to see the problem through a clear lens when you’re caught up in emotions or a challenging situation. Sometimes it can help to talk with a person who is neutral, compassionate and skilled.
Professional counselors are trained to listen to the emotions under the story and for the patterns that are happening.
It can be powerfully healing to share your story with someone who can hold the space in a non-judgemental way. A good counselor can empathically feel the experience with you and also reflect from a clearer viewpoint.
This can be life changing.
If you’re interested in doing your own boundary work, finding a well trained counselor can be a great next step. In our office, we have many caring and skilled therapists who work with individuals, parents and couples through these issues and so much more.
We want to make getting help easy, so scheduling is very simple. To get started, contact us directly.
We care and we are here to help.
Wishing you healthy yards, strong fences and great relationships with your neighbors.
Jenna
Jenna Fleming, LPC, NCC, is a Georgetown, TX therapist. She is also the owner at Georgetown Child & Family Counseling, where it is their mission to help people thrive through Christ-centered counseling.
