Eye rolling, talking back and deep sighs.
Few things can raise a parent’s blood pressure faster than these common kid behaviors.
We know it rarely helps, but many parents can’t seem to stop from reacting in a big way. This only adds more stress and strife. The growing distance and anger are setting up ideal conditions for another fallout.
Parent’s don’t know what to do.
They’re out of options and at their wit’s end.
The vicious cycle seems impossible to get out of.
Listen, I can personally attest that parenting is no easy task! It requires thankless physical, mental and emotional strength.
It’s also the most rewarding job on the planet if we consider the miracle we get to watch unfold right before us day after day.
I want you to be able to enjoy your parenting journey.
As our children go through different ages and stages, new challenges and issues naturally present themselves. Kids push boundaries and explore their world. Parents focus on safety and respect. Both can seem at odds and yet both are normal and healthy.
So, can parents guide kids responsibly without destroying the relationship with their child?
I believe the answer is yes.
Below are two simple but effective strategies that can interrupt the old, unhelpful, negative pattern. It can get you out of the cycle you’re in.
Now before we begin, a word to the wise. When trying something new, we often block ourselves right at the starting line.
Some common but unhelpful thoughts folks say to themselves are “I’ve already tried everything.” or “Nothing works”. Maybe you’re of the mindset that you already know the outcome… it’ll end in disaster.
Listen, if you want to keep getting what you’ve been getting, continue doing what you’ve been doing.
If you want to change, dump those thoughts and read on.
Two proven tactics for healthier parent-child relationships and real behavior change are praise and active ignoring.
Praise- many parents believe that they praise their child frequently, but often, they’re more likely to criticize their children’s undesirable behavior. It’s especially true when things get stressful or your child’s behavior really revs up. Focus attention on praise with these tips:
- Praise specifically (“good job putting the dishes away” is more useful and specific than a general “good job”)
- Praise as soon as possible after the good behavior
- Avoid negative add-ons like “good job on the homework, why can’t you do that more often?“
Active Ignoring- this refers to choosing not to react to non-dangerous undesirable behavior. Paired with positive praise, it can have a powerful effect. Many children use behavior to get a reaction out of parents and this can interrupt that pattern. Here’s how:
- Avoid responding to the child during or immediately after the behavior
- Never ignore a dangerous or unsafe behavior
- Ignore ‘trigger’ behaviors like- mimicking, eye rolling, angry statements or smirking (I know, easier said than done. But seriously, just try it!)
- Look for opportunities to insert appropriate praise
With change comes challenge.
It’s tough to change some of these things, and you may even feel opposed to ignoring some of these very triggering behaviors. But if you’ll give this a try with consistency, I sincerely believe you’ll see stronger relationships and better behavior in the long run.
Now, as a warning, sometimes behaviors do get tougher before you see the long-term change. It can help to re-evaluate your expectations and boundaries at home as well as how you are implementing consequences. If you’re struggling with this, you can sign up for our free newsletter where you will instantly get a download for helping you with difficult behavior.
You may also find it useful to read about setting up a win-win contract with your teen.
Making change takes some upfront work and consistency when things get challenging, but in the big scheme of things, this can really make a difference.
If you’re looking for more parenting support, we offer counseling services specialized in family year issues at Georgetown Child & Family Counseling. We’re here to help and love walking with people through these challenging issues to get to a healthier place.
You can learn more about our services and our clinicians on our website- www.gtowncounseling.com.
I believe change is possible and that your family can have healthy, enjoyable relationships.
Wishing you positive parenting days ahead…
Jenna
Jenna Fleming, LPC, NCC, is on a mission to support a loving, healthy community. She is owner and clinician at Georgetown Child & Family Counseling, where they specialize in family year issues and offer services from ages 3 through adulthood. Jenna is passionate about supporting parents, educators, and counselors in doing the sacred work they do.
