There’s no overstating the importance of healthy communication in a relationship. And when we talk about communication, we aren’t talking about asking your partner what they ate for lunch.
We’re talking about communication during those crucial moments – in times of conflict or disagreement.
How you communicate with your partner during those moments can make or break a relationship. Even if you believe your relationship is nearly perfect in all other ways, unhealthy communication styles can mean serious trouble down the line.
Communication can sometimes be thought of as the foundation in a relationship. If that starts falling apart, it impacts the rest of your relationship.
If you’re looking to improve your relationship and increase meaningful connections with your partner, working on your communication skills is a good place to start.
Be Respectful
The first rule of any fight with your partner? Fight fair. Even in times of conflict, partners who engage in healthy communication are respectful of each other. This means no name-calling, no swearing, and no screaming.
These can be thought of as ‘ground rules’, but being respectful of your partner encompasses what you’re saying, how you’re saying it, and the intention behind your words. Are you purposefully trying to hurt your partner? Are you trying to get a reaction from them?
If you ever get to a point in a fight where you don’t like the way you’re behaving, it’s best to take a step back and cool down.
Think Before You Speak
This may have been a mantra you heard as a child, but it’s an important one to remember in your relationship too. Healthy communication means thinking about the impact of your words before you say them.
Too often, in the heat of the moment, we throw out hurtful words that we later regret. Pausing in those moments can prevent making a bad fight even worse.
Working on the way you react to things and recognizing your own triggers is an ongoing process for most people. It’s okay to mess up. We’re all human. But the more you learn to slow down and process your emotions before immediately reacting, the more you’ll find it easier to communicate with your partner and others.
Listen to Understand
Healthy communication relies on both partners actively listening to each other, not just to the words being spoken, but also the meaning behind those words.
If you don’t understand what your partner is saying or where they’re coming from, ask questions!
For example, if your partner seems unusually upset that they arrived late to a work function, it might be helpful to understand where they’re coming from. Maybe they were hoping to make a good impression on a new boss. Or perhaps they have anxiety over being late that stems from how they were raised.
Even if you don’t understand or even necessarily agree with what your partner is experiencing, it’s important to validate their feelings. Having empathy and listening will create a safe environment for both parties to communicate more smoothly.
Be Honest
Couples who aren’t transparent with each other will struggle to reach a deeper level in their relationship. If you aren’t open and honest with your partner, it makes it that much harder to understand the ‘root’ of an issue.
It can also lead to resentment – which leaves one person feeling unheard and the other feeling left in the dark. Resentment is one of those insidious relationship killers that people realize to late.
Being vulnerable is hard, but expecting your partner to be a mind reader is even harder. Healthy communication relies on both parties being willing to be honest.
Stay on Topic
Healthy communication involves keeping an eye on the prize. For example, let’s say you want to talk to your partner about how you’ve been feeling unimportant to them lately, because they’ve been spending most of their time at work.
In that situation, don’t bring up every other frustration you have with them in the same moment. This not only distracts from the conversation at hand, it can also snowball into a bigger fight.
A good rule of thumb is, when you’re in a fight and you forget what the fight’s about – it means it’s time to reevaluate the conversation and refocus.
Be on the Same Team
Couples who have been together for a long time know that arguments are never won. “Winning” an argument with your partner simply isn’t possible, because it’s not about who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s about being on the same team and tackling the issue together.
Couples who exhibit healthy communication often think of themselves and their partners as a team that is going up against whatever issue they’re dealing with – money, stress, family.
Other Helpful Tips
- Know When to Take a Break – If emotions are running high, agree to revisit the topic at a later time – in a few hours or the next day. Remember that it’s always easier to reset than to repair after a bad fight.
- Don’t Interrupt – It can be hard to bite your tongue in certain situations, but interrupting your partner can indicate that you don’t think what they’re saying is important. It may cause them to refrain from communicating their thoughts in the future.
- Take the Conversation ‘Offline’ – Technology has greatly improved our ability to communicate and miscommunicate with our partners. Text messages and phone conversations are great for asking someone to pick up milk from the grocery store, but less helpful for deeper conversations. Have important conversations face-to-face so you can avoid as much miscommunication as possible.
- Reach Out – Arguments don’t have to involve distance or defensive body language. In fact, some couples find it helpful to hold hands or have some sort of physical contact to remind each other that they’re still partners and still there for each other.
- Use I Statements – Avoid throwing out accusations like ‘you’ or ‘you always do this’ during a fight. It can make the other person defensive and prevent you from working through an issue. Instead, talk about how their actions made you feel.
Still Need Help with Healthy Communication?
Don’t feel ashamed if you and your partner are struggling to communicate in a healthy way. Like anything, it gets better with practice. Sometimes it helps to have someone on your team. Call one of our licensed and experienced counselors today.
Central Texas Child and Family Counseling is here for you. With convenient locations in the Georgetown and Liberty Hill area, give us a call or send us an email to schedule your first session.
In your corner,
Jenna
