Have you ever wondered why your kids act up?
Boy, I can think of several visits with friends gone sour after my kid’s constant interruptions. Or the times when a full-blown fit erupts in the checkout line. Every parent can understand these moments of aggravation and it’s also natural for kids to test their world and make mistakes.
What if I told you that your kid’s behavior is telling you something important and that understanding what it is can help decrease frustrations (theirs and yours)?
There are four common reasons kids misbehave.
Knowing why your kids act up can help you determine how to respond. Below are those common reasons and some helpful tips parents can take.
1. They are testing your boundaries! If kids aren’t sure where the ‘limit’ is, they are guaranteed to do some testing to find out just where that is.
What you can do: Check your boundaries! Expectations are unseen boundaries. The only way kids ‘see’ them is by how we communicate and our consistency of them. Get clear on what you want and explain that simply to your kids. Be true to your word- if you say something, follow through. Consistency is an essential ingredient in handling behavior and raising healthy kids.
2. They are telling you something! Did you know that behavior is one of the primary ways kids communicate? I can think of a time or two my kid’s behavior communicated clearly that they needed more sleep!
What you can do: Listen to the behavior! Don’t get caught up on dealing just with actions- see what’s under their attitude. The most common things kids tell us with behavior is a need for more power/control, feeling overwhelmed, wanting attention or having a physical need (like hunger, thirst or sensory overload). Help your kids by naming their need and then guiding them to help meet it.
3. They haven’t learned the skill. Sometimes parents expect what their child either hasn’t or isn’t ready to learn. A four year old’s attention span is way different than a 14 year old’s (though some have made cases against it). You may have an unrealistic expectation. Many parental frustrations fall under undeveloped or lagging executive function skills- the developmental skills that have to do with managing oneself.
What you can do: Role play scenarios before going into a new situation. Be clear with your expectations. Help your child organize themselves with schedules, charts or calendars.
4. They are acting like you. Yes, I said it! More than we realize, our little ones are reflections of us. Within the last 5 years, neuroscience has discovered just how wired we are to mimic our parents through the discovery of mirror neurons. Children may not always do what they are told, but they absolutely do what they see.
What you can do: Be the change you wish to see in the world. I love that quote attributed to Gandhi. It’s truth is powerful. Be aware of your actions, reactions, and in every way how you are modeling. Most importantly, take care of yourself and tend to your own needs. Children with anxiety often have a parent with anxiety. By tending to your needs, staying positive and focusing on modeling correct behavior, your child will benefit greatly.
Children don’t come with instructions, but understanding some basics about their behavior can really help.
Be consistent, aware of needs, focus on teaching and modeling and I tell you, you will see improvement.
Yes, there’s still gonna be bumps along the road, but understanding and acting on this will help smooth some of those rough spots.
Smile, play and enjoy the journey, parents!
Jenna Fleming is a licensed professional counselor serving kids, teens and parents in Georgetown, TX. She offers counseling services, courses and classes to help families enjoy life more fully and get to a smoother, healthier path.
