At a loss with handling your kid’s behavior?
Be honest- have you been getting caught up in power-struggles? Punishments aren’t working and now your kid is just angry.
Many parents don’t see other options. If they quit nagging, the kids will ‘go nuts’ but they’re unhappy and know that the nagging is poison to everyone.
I get it- handling difficult behavior is, well…difficult.
But there are ways- better and more effective ones- to handle tough behavior and get results.
The best way for dealing with tough behavior is to prevent it from happening in the first place.
I’ve created a video with 4 simple keys that can refocus the family, improve communication and lessen the arguments. I’ve also got some added notes to help below.
These preventions will help your family use your energy for relationships and learning (not nagging and frustration).
Love unconditionally- The first key seems so simple, yet it’s so big. There is always a reason for behavior and often it’s to get attention or approval. If your kid has a belief that their behavior is connected to their worth or your love, the result is an insecure sense of self- and the resulting behaviors. Set the record straight. Your love for your child is not based on their performance. It is based on them being your child. Period. We don’t always approve of our children’s behaviors and that’s okay, but your love for your child is always there.
Be Consistent- Let’s face it. Threats are easy to make, but follow through is tough. Being consistent means keeping promises, having clear expectations and doing what you say. Consistency is one of the most important parent skills because it lets your child know that they can trust you. When you trust someone, you have more respect for them, less anxiety and won’t waste energy testing their boundaries. Kids are no different. Simply put- be a man or woman of your word!
Use Proactive Approaches- Bet you can think of a specific situation that really aggravates you. Is it always happening at a certain time of day- like homework or bedtime? If you know some common threads around difficult behavior, rather than reacting as usual, start thinking how you can proactively prevent or detour them. Say your child always throws a fit in the middle of shopping- Are they hungry? Are they bored? Can you plan ahead with snacks and role-playing the scenario with what to do when your kid gets bored? Often it’s sibling issues. Can you set up a win-win agreement about times when tempers flare?
Flip discipline- The typical approach is for a child to have access to many privileges, but when something goes ‘wrong’ the parent sets a boundary or consequence limiting the “fun stuff”. This works for lots of kids, but for others, it simply does not work. They act like they ‘don’t care’ or waste energy in anger (often escalating the situation) rather than learning the lesson they need to learn. Try using idea of rights, responsibilities and privileges in your home. Kids have the right to certain things- food, safety and love. These things come with no strings attached. But to access the privileges like television or sports, talk with your child about their responsibilities (your expectations). When a responsibility is not met, this will help to focus on the learning not the anger and help with your consistency.
These aren’t magic solutions, I must admit. But if you aren’t liking the results in your home, be open to a few new ways of thinking and operating.
These keys will help you lay a strong foundation for addressing that common thread all of us parents have- loving our children through difficult behaviors.
Wishing you smooth roads ahead…
Jenna Fleming is a licensed professional counselor serving kids, teens and parents in Georgetown, TX. She offers counseling services, courses and classes to help families enjoy life more fully and get to a smoother, healthier path.
