Ever feel like your end results aren’t anything like what you really wanted for your family or for your child?
For instance- you want your child to do well in school and so you’ve set homework as a priority. You have the time carved out and the homework area set- but at the end of ‘homework time’, things end with you being frustrated and your child crying and saying she hates school.
Not cool, fun or effective- for anyone!
Listen, you aren’t alone! Most parents want good things for their children. But good intentions does not always equal good results.
The following are a few shifts in thinking, responding and questioning to make powerful change for actually GETTING more of that outcome you want.
And bonus…every single shift can be immediately implemented!
1. Turn Down the ‘Shark Music’.
“Here we go again…”, “She always has to have it her way”, “He can’t take no for an answer”…
Da dum, Da dum, Dadumdadumdadum (my attempt at the Jaws music)
We all do it- give into doom and gloom thoughts that keep us trapped in our fears about the future or stuck on what’s happened in the past (aka “shark music”).
The key is not getting stuck there- and choosing a better soundtrack!
This type of thinking predicts negative outcomes and leaves us feeling totally powerless. Parenting with ‘shark music’ looming in the background leads us to react and not respond with calm, thoughtful intention.
And worse- our kids feel this and that translates to them generally feeling fearful, frustrated, shut down and trapped.
Notice your background music and what’s not helpful. Turn the volume down on the negatives by giving your valuable attention to thoughts that are actually helpful and truthful. Here are a few to try on for size:
- “Change is possible.”
- “Mistakes happen.”
- “How else can we handle the situation.”
- “We can do this!”
2. Become More Self-Aware.
Positive thinking is great, but you can’t just think yourself into better outcomes- you behave your way into them. Notice your typical reactions to tough behaviors and be open to doing something different. I bet you have certain ‘buttons’ and some general reactions.
Think about the times you’re most likely to be reactive or to have that ‘button’ pushed.
For instance the dreaded homework time or when your child talks back.
What’s your typical reaction at those times?
Do you yell, stonewall, or overly punish? Maybe your reaction is just to give in- that seems so much easier at the moment.
Now ask yourself- are these the responses you want and more importantly, are they helpful? Stay rooted in your values and the positive outcomes you want.
Jot down things you can do to bring yourself to a more thoughtful place- breathe, limit your distractions, focus on solutions. These things can help you parent more responsively (vs reactively).
3. Ask Better Questions.
When your child consistently shows up with behaviors you don’t want, get out of the autopilot reactions that aren’t working.
Quit asking “What’s wrong with my kid?” and start asking these three questions. They’ll help you figure out what is going on, what you want your child to learn and how to do that more effectively.
Question #1: Why did my child act this way? Behavior is simply another form of communication. Use that to your advantage and listen to what it tells you. Could your child be telling you she needs help organizing herself at school? Is your child telling you he is overwhelmed? Is your child seeking attention, boundaries or control?
Question #2: What do I want my child to learn? The goal of discipline isn’t about punishing. The goal is for your child to learn. Dealing with tough behaviors is an opportunity for you to teach. Get rooted in your values and decide what life-skills may need strengthening- responsibility, focus, respect, self-control, appropriate ways to express big feelings…
Question #3: How can I best teach that? Considering your child’s age, stage and their emotional, physical and developmental needs, make an informed decision on what your child needs to learn the lesson you very wonderfully want him to learn. A natural or logical consequence may be the right prescription for learning- or perhaps an opportunity to re-do the behavior is what’s best. Sometimes a chart or checklist is the solution- every situation is different and this is your opportunity to get creative.
Go for progress.
Simple solutions aren’t always simple in application, but you CAN do this!
If you’re looking for more help on handling tough behaviors and helpful information for happy families, join my free monthly newsletter that has exclusive content, helpful tips, and updates. You can join by adding your name and email to the form below or to the side of this page. As a gift for signing up, you’ll gain instant access to my free download “Handling Difficult Behaviors” complete with video and behavior planner.
If you want to dig even further into this topic, I highly recommend Dr. Dan Siegel’s book, No-Drama Discipline or the other awesome books I know, use and love on my resources page.
Just remember that parenting is a journey- and it’s important to focus on progress, not perfection.
With encouragement along the road…
Jenna
Jenna Fleming is a licensed professional counselor serving kids, teens, and parents in Georgetown, TX. She offers counseling services, courses and classes to help families enjoy life more fully and get to a smoother, healthier path.
