Parenting is tough on its own. What makes it even harder is when you disagree on parenting issues with your partner.
This can be a source of stress for many parents, which can lead to resentment if it isn’t addressed. So how do you learn to balance both parties’ perspectives while being consistent with your kids? We’re here to give you some tips on how to handle parenting disagreements.
Why Do You Disagree on Parenting Issues with Your Partner?
Whether we like it or not, our parenting style is most often influenced by the way that we were raised. And since everyone has had different upbringings – with different values, belief systems, and attitudes – you and your partner are not going to see eye to eye on every issue when it comes to parenting.
Perhaps you were raised in a strict household where there were a lot of rules to follow and your partner grew up in a household that was more lenient and allowed children a greater amount of freedom. As a result, you and your partner are going to approach parenting from different perspectives.
Disagreements about parenting are completely normal and bound to happen in a relationship. It’s not about who “gets their way” or who ultimately ends up “winning’ but about how you handle the disagreements while maintaining a united front to your children.
What’s the Impact When You Disagree on Parenting Issues?
As we mentioned, disagreeing on parenting issues is not a problem in and of itself. However, it can become a problem if you and your partner are:
- Not presenting a united front to your children
- Inconsistent in how your parent your children
- Undermining each other in front of your children
When you and your partner send mixed signals to your children it can cause confusion in the household.
For example, let’s say one parent takes away dessert from a child as a punishment for missing 2 homework assignments and the other parent sneaks them cookies after dinner. This could lead the child to believe that missing homework is no big deal.
Inconsistency can also cause you and your partner to fall into a good guy, bad guy role – and no parent always wants to be the “bad guy.” Some children may figure out that they can pit the more lenient parent against the stricter parent and use that to their advantage. Or they might even use your disagreements to distract from the actual issue at hand.
How to Handle Disagreements on Parenting Issues
Since it’s not possible to be on the same page 100% of the time on parenting issues with your partner, how can you best handle disagreements? Read on for our 6 tips on what to do when you disagree on parenting.
Learn Your Partner’s Background
Empathy and understanding will help you lower defensiveness and judgment when you and your partner disagree. It can also help defuse situations.
In order to gain a better understanding of your partner, have a conversation with them about how they were raised. What things did their parents do well that they wish to continue? What things did they not do well that they hope to do differently?
Learning about your partner’s upbringing can help you better understand their own parenting philosophies and why they see things the way they do.
Remember that there is no one “right” way to parent. Let go of the idea that your way is the best or the only way. Instead, try seeing things from your partner’s perspective and use that to come up with a solution that’s best for your children.
Focus on the Big Picture
One way to help with day-to-day parenting decisions is to focus on the big picture. What values do you and your partner want to instill in your children? Do you want them to be respectful, kind, and responsible? Getting aligned on the big picture goals for your children will make short-term decisions easier to make.
For example, let’s say you and your partner disagree on whether to discipline your child for missing a soccer game. Well, if your big picture goal is raising responsible children, then you and your partner might agree that your child should face some sort of consequence for missing a game they were expected to attend.
In this case, the big picture goal provides a framework for making small, everyday decisions on parenting.
Present a United Front
As we’ve mentioned, it’s important to present a united front to your kids so they know you both are on the same team. Arguments between you and your partner only distract from the issue at hand.
Many parenting decisions – such as when to set a child’s bedtime, how much screen time they can have, or if they’re allowed to have a sleepover with a friend – don’t need to be made in real-time. It’s always okay to table the conversation until you and your partner have had a chance to discuss it.
If your partner makes a decision you don’t agree with, bring it up later in private. If it’s urgent, ask them to step into another room for a moment. The key takeaway is to back each other up and not undermine each other in front of the kids.
Consider coming up with a non-verbal cue to signal to your partner when something needs to be tabled for further discussion.
Create House Rules
One easy way to get aligned on issues is to create house rules. House rules give you and your partner an opportunity to discuss what’s important to you and set guidelines for common situations.
You can think of house rules as non-negotiables. Some examples include:
- Do your kids have to complete their homework before they’re allowed to see friends or watch tv?
- What time should your kids be in bed by?
- What are the consequences of not doing chores or missing homework assignments?
- Do your kids get an allowance? If so, how much and under what circumstances?
Be Flexible
As much as we wish we could make easy “rules” for every scenario – parenting is all about flexibility.
Be willing to listen to your partner in difficult situations and try to come up with creative situations. Remember that just because you were raised a certain way and “you turned out fine” doesn’t mean that’s the best thing for your children.
Parenting styles are always evolving. Be open to change and be willing to change course if you and your partner discover that something isn’t working – or if you both find a better solution. Moments when you disagree on parenting can be thought of as opportunities to look for a better, third option.
Find Common Ground
When you disagree about parenting with your partner, it can be easy to take a hard stance in your own viewpoints. This will only lead to a stalemate and more divisiveness.
In those moments of disagreements, try to find common ground with your partner and show appreciation for what they bring to the table. Saying things like:
- I love the way you play with the kids
- You were really encouraging today during homework time
- I appreciated how you had a difficult conversation with our kids today
These statements help you maintain a connection with your partner even when you disagree, which eases difficult conversations and makes compromise more attainable.
Help is a Call Away
Relationships take a lot of work, as does parenting. If you’re struggling to align with your partner on parenting issues, you are not alone. Therapy can help.
Come see one of our licensed and experienced counselors. You call, we match you. It’s that easy. Give us a call or come visit us at our Georgetown or Liberty Hill location today.
On your team,
-Jenna
